Today I left the house.
I didn’t want to.
Or, I thought I didn’t want to.
The nights are long and the mornings harsh and so as I sat in my nursing chair with nipples elongated into my breast pump, hair greased into a sad bun, I absolutely could not fathom in that moment, the idea of leaving the house.
When my husband asked if I wanted to go somewhere or do something, all I could wonder was, how can I? How can we?
Everything felt way too hard. The weather was poorly, the holiday traffic was still present, traffic lights, crowds, the feeding window, the pumping window, loading everyone in the car, out of the car, then back in again…oh my. Logistically a family of five worked easier when the fifth member was still in my belly.
Admittedly, I was feeling a little overwhelmed (postpartum hormones don’t bloody help). It is quite often that I feel as though everything is too hard. I have to push myself into remembering that nothing is ever as hard as it appears in my mind or feels in my chest.
I showered. I washed the long night off my body. It stank like milk and sweat, exhaustion and fear. I washed my hair. I wrote poetry in my mind under the heat of the water.
And I left the house, with my family.
We ended up in a Thai restaurant that I haven’t been to in years. The five of us got a great table, with room for the pram. I ordered a lychee martini, looked at my husband and said, ‘I’m out of the house’. To which he responded by reaching his hand out towards me for a high five.
It’s always so much harder in our heads. Sometimes we feel the misleading weight of our anxieties in our arms and legs. We can feel so heavy we are forced to stand still.
It’s not real though. I know it’s not real. Every time I push myself beyond the heaviness, I’m reprieved by the ease.
One day at a time. It is still early days and I am still getting used to this new life of five.
But, today I left the house, even though I thought I didn’t want to.
Don’t give in to the heaviness. Give in to the lychee martinis instead. 😉