Not done yet

At my most recent obstetrician appointment, I was asked very directly how many children I want to have.It came like any other question, but it’s not like any other question, is it? Despite how many times I’ve been asked whether this baby, baby number three “is it”, the answer for me is never as simple as yes or no.

On this particular day, I shot back an answer as bluntly as he asked the question. Even I was shocked by my response. The transaction of words went like this:

‘How many children do you want to have?’ The obstetrician asked. (Let’s call him Dr Bob, for the sake of not having to write Obstetrician, all the time). I looked at the student doctor to the left of Dr Bob, her hands hovering over the keyboard awaiting my answer. Is this really on the checklist of things to ask, I thought?

‘100’. I replied. ‘I want 100 babies’. (There is nothing like a doctor’s office to make you spew your deepest darkest secrets or STI’s all over the desk without shame). I looked back at Dr Bob.

‘Why are you asking me this? What’s going on here?’ (I truly said this like I was being interrogated, lol).

I was not expecting his response.

‘Some women come in knowing that they are definitely finished having babies and so they opt to have their tubes tied after the C-section.’ Said Dr Bob.

‘Don’t touch my stuff’ I said. ‘Take the baby. Leave everything else alone’. Dr Bob looked to the student Doctor on the left and said, ‘That would be a negative. Put that in the notes’.

I’m about to have my third C-section and yet I’ve never been offered this “service” before. It makes sense. It’s great really, like a one-stop-shop, a two-for-one type deal. How lucky we are to have these options in this day and age, especially for those women that truly know they are done with making babies and want to embark on a journey of sexual freedom without contraceptive devices or worrying about conceiving.

I, however, made the decision long ago that even when I am done procreating, that I’m not prepared to have my choice of doing so removed until nature does it for me. If anyone is getting anything tied or snipped, it’s my husband. And whilst he may be a little baffled as to why I wouldn’t just get it all done while I’m already on the table and cut open, tubes just laying there waiting to be tied, and whilst I may be somewhat sure that baby three will be my last, I’m not 100% sure. Not as 100% sure as I was when I told the doctor I want 100 babies.

What I want and what will actually be are two very different things. But his question to me of how many babies I want was enough to pull from me the truth that I am not 100% ready to say that I am done, even if I am done.

I cannot commit to such finality.

Not yet.

Have you experienced this too?

T x

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