I Want It All

The problem is not that I want it all, it’s that I want it all at the same time and I WANT IT NOW!

I’ve been working towards finding and filling the hours of my day with what is most important to me and worthwhile to my existence. My stay at home mum role, which I appreciated and enjoyed more than expected, has been pleasantly interrupted by returning to the workforce (the type where they pay you, unlike motherhood). I have returned to an industry and position of my choosing: I waited patiently for the opportunity to arise and when it did, I snatched it up and I feel very (I hate to use the word lucky because it wasn’t luck) lucky (there I said it). However, now with nine hours of my day snatched up with one particular role, I, like everyone else in this world, have to find time to fit in everything else.

Either side of those nine hours, I’ve prioritised a morning run, some family time and more often than not continue to eat dinner alone with my husband after the kids have gone to bed. My day is filled with things I do not hate and I value this, however, with this new schedule I am yet to find the time to fit in two important activities: studying and writing.

Each morning as I run, when the blood is starting to move around my brain, flushing out the dreams, I write and write and write. One-liners, novel ideas, and everything in-between, pencils itself on my mental notepad, but an hour of my day has not yet been created or allocated to digest the words and get them out of me and onto paper. I could wake up earlier, write in the darkness while the house is quiet, but I worry that a 4am start might impact my ability to stay awake at work; I could stay up at night after the kids go to bed, but again I remind myself how sparse sleep can be with a toddler and a baby.

I completed my first unit of study last term, while I was a stay at home mum, but now I wonder where I will pilfer the hours needed to fulfil the minimum requirements of twelve hours of study a week, without stealing them from my weekend, my husband or my children (those were written in order of priority, obviously).

Then there is ‘alone time’: the times when I do nothing but sit, maybe watch a movie or read a book. I tell myself the morning run is equivalent to showering alone and should be considered a part of my relaxation, but the idea that I have to physically exhaust myself, enduring shin splints, sore knees and sweat just to be alone, seems extreme.

Some say that with balance comes sacrifice (which makes no sense because balance is about equal distribution, not about losing something altogether), so as I believe, there is no balance, only sacrifice.

Maybe I sacrifice the run during school term so that I can study? Maybe I stay back at work on the early mark of a Friday to write? In true Veruca Salt form, ‘I want it all’, the husband, kids, job, study, writing, exercise, social and antisocial time and of course, sleep (and of course, wine, many courses of wine preferably). Why should anyone have to give anything up, something that they enjoy or love to make room for something else that they enjoy and love?

I never understood it when people said there aren’t enough hours in the day. Once upon a time (forever actually, until now), I thought there were way too many hours in the day and I wished them away often. Now I wake up before the sun and feel the heat on my heels as I try to fill my hours with all of the things that make me happy (it’s just so hard being happy).

The saying goes that if we want something, then we will find the time to achieve it (props to hubby cause he actually said it to me – Eye roll).

So I must.

Unless of course, anyone has one of those time travelling devices that Hermione uses in Harry Potter?


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