Today the pity stops. Today Tuesday, I reprimand myself for the years of self-loathing, self-hate and self-destruction. I am filled with shame and it is that shame that burns motivation in me. Perhaps not a motivation that will enable me to do great things by the standard of this generation or those that have preceded it, but a motivation that allows me the courage to take back the worth of my life that I so often shred away.
I realise today more than ever that I have frivolously discounted my existence more often than not. I have, what I now regrettably understand, insulted my own mother on numerous occasions just by simply questioning my purpose.
I question my path endlessly and yet all that is necessary is the knowledge that I walk any and all paths with shoes on. Not just shoes, but any shoes I choose because the freedom that I experience today, yesterday and all days is by far as close to the utopia of freedom we envision, than we have ever been.
I question myself; do I have the strength to carry out this desire to be a better person, to accept and be thankful for this life? Do I have the ability to throw away these man made demons and walk the life of a free individual with more rights than I know what to do with let alone utilise appropriately?
I answer this question with another question; Do I have the strength to bear a hundred lashings, to succumb to rape, torture or at best, death in the hope of change, in the hope of a better life? No I do not. Therefore I hope to no longer tarnish the strength of those that did, by devaluing my own presence.
I will carry the shame of all the days before today, Tuesday. Maybe I will not achieve any great feat by that of today’s standards, but the enlightenment of Tuesday has woken in me the desire to conquer Wednesday.